trigger warning [suicide, drugs, addiction, emotional, physical and s*xu*l ab*se/r*pe, m*rder]
i haven’t been active on here since forever and since i’m in a pretty bad place right now, i finally downloaded tumblr again. crazy to think i had this blog for about nine years (i started it in 2014 i think), back then i was doing pretty bad, struggled with severe depression, daily self-harming and suicidal tendencies but still had the hope that in two, three years things would be better - turns out i was wrong. a lot has changed ever since, i don’t know if it’s for the better or worse. what i can say - i never imagined my life would be like this. in the last three and a half years, things went downhill. it started in march 2020 when my best friend committed suicide. i’ve always been prone to trying out drugs but so far never struggled with addiction. well, when she died, i couldn’t take it anymore. i began taking opioids and benzos every day, luckily i was able to stop after a couple of months, but started smoking daily and haven’t been able to quit ever since. the longest period of time i managed without was three weeks and that was almost two years ago. at least i’m clean a couple of substances i’ve been ab*sing a lot, nowadays i only smoke weed, drink alcohol and do benzos (if i need them), even though my psychiatrist prescribes me those and once in a while i do take other substances, mainly just for fun though.
during that time i was diagnosed with bpd and ptsd since i could only remember one short term traumatic event from 2016. eventually i started to remember that my parents were ab*sing me emotionally and physically back when i was a child. the bpd diagnosis turned out to be completely inaccurate, instead i got diagnosed with complex ptsd (october 2021). every now and then new memories/flashbacks of being s*xu*lly ab*sed occurred but couldn’t pin down when, where or who the abuser was. a bit later flashbacks and dissociative episodes started to have more effects on the body. i didn’t know what that was and it did scare me, especially since i hate not being in control. mid 2022 i finally managed to go see a doctor for these episodes and they diagnosed me with psychogenic non epileptic seizures.
a bit later, a new memory occurred, but something about it was different, this time, i knew the location. it was my parents’ basement. i spoke to both my therapist and my psychiatrist about the flashbacks and they said it’s likely that it actually did happen. since then new memories have been occurring at least once a week or so. then, my therapist left and i had to adjust to someone unknown. in the beginning, it was okayish but after a short time it felt like she wasn’t the right therapist for me. it didn’t seem like she was listening to me or trying to understand me. after thinking about it for some time, i decided to quit therapy and start looking for someone new, better versed.
march this year i had the first appointment with my current therapist, someone who actually knows what they are doing. i started opening up about a couple of symptoms (which i did before, they were not listening though) and it really seemed like she’s trying to learn and understand. a month ago or so she told me that apparently i do have dissociative identity disorder. even though some symptoms were somehow pointing in that direction, i couldn’t believe it. if i’m being honest, i still can’t. on some days i’m scared i’m lying and simulating, on other days i want nothing more than that it all turns out to be a lie.
it’s weird, for such a long time i thought that i had a great childhood (even though i have amnesia for the years up until i was eleven years old) and loving parents. as i got older, i found out that that’s far from being true. my parents have been abusing me emotionally, physically and s*xu*lly ever since i was a young child. sometimes i wonder if there’s even more they hide. there are so many memories/flashbacks of places i’ve never been to, people i’ve never seen in my entire life. someone from the system implied that our body has been sold and still is. quite often i wake up in the morning just to see the body’s got new bruises, some times c*ts as well. my therapist is assuming that certain things still might be happening during the nights and on the weekends. she started talking about escaping these structures, possible punishments from my families side and protected apartments. so many questions are surfacing along with the flashbacks. what confuses me a lot is the fact that a few of my therapists plus my former psychiatrist suspected that all the kinds of ab*se have been happening in my family for many generations. i’m not sure if i ever mentioned it on here - my aunt (my fathers’ sister) was m*rdered a long time ago, beforehand someone r*ped her. my parents told me when i was around ten/eleven years old and i never questioned it or associated it with my family, but now i wonder if they actually told me the truth or if someone of them had something to do with her death. sometimes i wish i never started digging in my past but the point of no return has been crossed, i cannot go back. it’s hard for me to understand what happened, also because most of the trauma just happened to the body, not to me. most of the time i’m complete denial of both the trauma and the did-diagnosis. it can’t be real and i most certainly don’t want it to be real.
